Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Happy Birthday! I think...

Today is my son's birthday. He turns 6.
He is beautiful and other than autism, very healthy.
I am grateful for that, I really am.
I love him soooo much it hurts.
This little thing that I carried with me and who showed me how to love unconditionally.
The one who still cuddles with me at night and prefers mommy over everyone in the world.

That's my boy!

"I bet your son loves birthday's huh?" says my hairdresser to me today.

"Sure" I said halfheartedly. Better than the answer I always want to say " Nope, really, he does not even know today is his birthday,what a birthday means and that it's his turn today. Nothing, nada, cilch. Today is just another day to him."

It was hard last night when I put him down to bed. So many thoughts. I can't believe he is not 5 any longer. 6 just sounds so old to me now. I cried and got all sentimental about it.

But, here we are. No special plans today. Just a little bit of family coming over to sing Happy Birthday on a cake he can't and won't eat anyway even if it was diet approved. I don't want to be so somber I swear. It's just reality though and covering it up with all "fake-focus on the bright side" crap won't help and I just don't feel like it.

We officially celebrated his birthday last week at Pump it up. He had an absolute blast and the only autisms that happened were # 1 when he had to watch a video prior to entering the inflatables area # 2 during the "eating" portion of the party. 35 kids in a little room eating pizza and cake and he wanted to leave with both mommy and daddy. Of course that could not happen so we had a tantrum. # 3 when daddy was still inside while he waited in the car for him # 4 when a toy he received on his birthday ran out of batteries and there were no more and nowhere to find more at 8pm on a Sunday. But other than that it was a blast to jump on all the bounce houses and slide a zillion times. He really did have a fantastic time.

So, today, a week later is his real birth date. When will he look forward to a birthday and get all excited? request a theme party? ask for a gift? eat cake? blow out a candle properly? open gifts? Is that ever going to happen?

But, when did I ever get this depressing? Oh I know! must have been sometime between planning his first birthday and now. Yeah! the first birthday when I booked Barney to come and he cried while we sang. Hmmm maybe it was the second one when we had something small at home and he was in another world the entire time. Of course, crying during the happy birthday singing. Oh wait, maybe it was the 3rd when I figured the way to go was a water park he loves so much. Nah, that can't be it. That's the one that he was spaced out while we sang happy birthday to him. That only leaves the 4th and 5th. The 4th gathering at the My Gym I so carefully planned with the beautiful farm cake. That one was actually the best one. He blew out the candle because we practiced it a thousand times and it took him that many to do it that day as well but he did it. But still clueless as to what he was doing there. Lastly , the 5th when I decided there would be no party and we would go to Disney instead. On his real birthday we sang happy birthday and he ran away from us. That leaves this year. It's no wonder I am all exhausted with this birthday business and the expectations that come with it.

It must be that his 7th birthday will be the best one yet right?yeah, that must be it.


The Mom said...

I found your blog through some autism links. I know exactly what you mean about your son not knowing what his birthday is. My son just turned 5 and he had just learned that the right answer to the question "How old are you?" was 4. He still doesn't know he's 5 and his birthday meant nothing to him.

Queenbee said...

I am sorry you are on this train with me. :( Thanks for sharing this with me.

Amy said...

From many of your posts, you and I could switch lives and no one would notice! Mine will turn 6 in October and no, not expecting any huge revelation between now and then about birthdays. My son said he was "3 years old" until he was 5! :)

We've gone low-key, one or two presents and just close family to celebrate all holidays. It's still hard and no matter how many 'accommodations' are made, it's still a sort of grieving process with every holiday/b-day.

BUT - we just keep moving forward and as long as there is progress, that is great! Know that your little guy loves you more than anything (reward in and of itself!)

Queenbee said...

Thanks Amy!

Thanks for understanding. It never ceases to amaze me each time I post something. I always think people will write and say "huh- what are you talking about?" and instead it's always "hey-me too!" which is good and bad. Bad because I don't wish this on anyone! Good because I then don't feel so alone.

I know my little man loves me, and boy does he. He is incredible and why I become livid about these situations.

Please know that usually after I post and vent, I feel instantly better and go on with my happy self. LOL! Don't think I am always this sarcastic and moody. :)

One day we will post about our happy birthday celebration and boy will it be a BIG one!

Jeneil said...

Hi, just wanted to say I can totally relate! It's nice to find my struggles with my daughter's birthdays so clearly expressed by someone else who KNOWS.


Kathryn said...

God, QB, this could have been me writing this. My boy turned 6 in July. I had the same feelings. The only difference this year is that he "got" that something was special for him! Birthdays are hard, I know. I have not had a chance to check out the rest of your blog, but I will. Looks like you are a biomed mom, too? My boy is sweet like yours...he's such a mystery. Every now and then a word will pop out and it is such a celebration!

Anyway, popping by to say, thanks for popping my blog and that I can so relate to your journey!


Queenbee said...

Thanks Kathryn, yes we are completely biomed as well.
Thanks for stopping by and how awesome that at least he "got" that something was special on that day!