Monday, November 3, 2008
A fork in the road...
What a month!
Finishing up the Nystatin my son has been on for over a month now. No horrible behavior shown though there has been an increase in some stims. Whatever...I feel like it's never ending. I am at a point where I feel like throwing my arms up in the air and walk away but of course I can't do that.
I know this protocol works. I have friends whose children are near recovered doing the same or even less than what I am doing with my son. But, just, not us. I won't turn into one of those parents who swears off trying new things and nay saying it just because it did not work for them. I am however, turning into a disappointed and sad mom. Or even sadder than before. Not disappointed in my son, disappointed in my lack of ability to help him.
Why can't it work for my son? it's worked but only a little.
Yes, he is miles away from where we started but double the miles away from where we need to be. I want out of this club. I don't want to be a part of this autism club anymore.
A friend recently posted on one of our group boards how she wanted out. She wanted a normal life and not everything to revolve around autism. I hear ya sister. I feel the same way. I want out as well.
It also doesn't help that our very own "club" is just so divided. If I hear one more parent accuse another of not loving their child enough because they are treating them or that because they are treating them they are not accepting their child as is I am going to explode.
Screw the kumbaya talk people!
Our children are special TO US, they are amazing TO US. The world is a cruel place and it will be a long to reach a point (if ever) where people are compassionate of those with special needs. It is a dog eat dog kind of world and our kids are being swallowed whole in it. Yes, we can be mother warriors all we want but at the end of the day, we are still in the wrong kind of "special" group and I am so sick of it.
It is never more obvious than at the playground or at birthday parties. Why do we even bother going? I don't want to be any one's charity case or anyone to feel bad for me. Urgh! Sucks.
So much money spent on this journey. SOOOO MUCH!
We are now with a new doctor. Treating the yeast. Woopidyf'indoo. Why get excited? after all I got excited when we first put him in a fully integrative treatment school, then when he did music therapy, then when we started the diet, then when we started the DAN! protocol, then when he did the hyperbaric oxygen, then when we did chelation, then when we added new supplements or wait it must have been when we went all natural with our cleaning products, or when we bid farewell to the microwave or when we bought all new cookware, or when we started using distilled water only, or, or, or , or....you can only get so excited so many times about the new "it" thing.
Where to go next? I DON'T KNOW!
Can we move to a remote island somewhere?
After all, my son is so happy. Completely oblivious to anything going around him. If it wasn't for that great kid, and his sunny disposition I don't know how I would have made it this far.
He would be so happy on that island. Just living without being stared at, poked at, discriminated against, and treated! But that's not reality is it?
Nope, so we move on to the next best thing as always.
Now, looking for private schools so that he can get even more one on one instruction. Finishing up the yeast treatment, wait for more supplements and wish for the best. Again.
I assure you I am not always this cynical but there are just some days.....SIGH
Ok, rant over.