I love to work out. Yes, I know I used LOVE and WORK OUT in the same sentence. Sometimes I don't feel like it, but I have never regretted getting off my butt and doing it.
Last week I had a rough day. It was one of those days where everything just went wrong. It wasn't about what went wrong per se, but that so much went wrong at the same time on the same day. By the time 5pm came, I had to decide if I was going to change and go to my usual Zumba class. If you are not familiar with Zumba, I will explain it quickly. It is a high energy, fast moving, dance class where you move to all sorts of Latin rhythms or what I call happy music.
It's hard to muster up the energy to take that class when you feel nothing that resembles happy and even less when you are downright miserable.
Let me rewind a bit. Last month while at my Zumba class and while on a typical, happy day for me, I had a conversation with a friend from class. She was so excited. Her son (my age) had come to visit her. She gushed as to how happy it made her to spend such quality time with him and how proud she was of him and his new business. How he was dating this new fantastic girl, and they would probably be married soon. I was really enjoying the story. I was reeeeeeeeeally feeling her excitement. I am very sensitive to what others are feeling and can often feel it when they are standing close to me (I know, weird....but I digress). This was during a dance break. When she turned around to start dancing again, I was still smiling just so very happy for her. Then it hit me. I am NEVER going to have that with Kai. Don't know yet if I will with Quinn either. At best, Kai will be 40 and maybe begin to be phasing off his Mickey Mouse stage and moving on to Star Wars or other more appropriate "boy" categories I am not yet familiar with. He will probably be living with me. Will probably never get married. I will probably never have grandchildren.
It's not that I have not thought of this before, but it's that it just all hit me at that moment. Everything that autism has and will steal from me was playing in my head like a bad movie. Music started playing, and I had to fight back the tears. To make matters worse, this was the song playing:
It is a BACHATA version of "Stand by me." I actually don't really enjoy bachata. It's my least favorite style from my classes, but it was the song that affected me. I followed my adorable peppy instructor, but I had tears down my face. Lame but I could not help what I was feeling. Of course, I will stand by my sons, but it did not make it any easier to digest. Luckily the song stopped playing, and we moved on to another song and thankfully a much much higher energy one. Phew! Thank God for Pitbull and my ability to recover from being sad so quickly. Phew.
That class behind me, here I was last week considering if to attend class on a day when I was feeling rock bottom. I changed, put on my sneakers and arrived at class. I had no energy, no smile and was already thinking this had been a bad bad mistake. Everyone was in such a good mood that day. Gym friends all said cheery hellos and class started. Somewhere between my half ass merengue and weak reggaeton routine I noticed a girl in the back of the class. She was wearing a scarf over her head. Wait, I knew her. This is a girl that is always in class but now she has no hair and instead of being in the front of the class, she was hiding out in the back of the class. OMG! What happened? Cancer? Something like it? I thought. My heart sank and in that instant everything was put into perspective. Yes, things were really bad that day for me. Yes, there are days when my life just sucks and the future seems bleak but at least I have "life". This girl was probably fighting something completely different than I was but she was also going through her own pain and yet, here she was. She might have been in the back but she was rocking Shakira and Willy Chirino while I was self pitying during the songs. Just like that, I got over it. She inspired me to see the big picture that day. She reminded me that not all is lost and although things still hurt, we gain more by being positive than by rotting in negativity. We all have pain and we all have hurdles. It's about acknowledging it, feeling it, then putting it to rest (until the next time) and moving on.
My husband's response to me always saying "things could be worse" is usually " yeah but they can be much better too". He's right but since we can't control some aspects of our lives we need to focus on what we can and that's our attitude. It's all how you look at it.
For now at least, I have regained perspective and I am ready to keep rocking my Zumba class with a smile on my face regardless of what is going on in my life and class that day. I leave you in the company of Cuban genius Celia Cruz and her 2nd famous words "RIE, LLORA, que a cada cual le toca su hora" (loose translation: LAUGH, CRY because each one of us has our time)
That class behind me, here I was last week considering if to attend class on a day when I was feeling rock bottom. I changed, put on my sneakers and arrived at class. I had no energy, no smile and was already thinking this had been a bad mistake. Everyone was in such a good mood that day. Gym friends all said cheery hellos and class started. Somewhere between my half-ass merengue and weak reggaeton routine, I noticed a girl in the back of the class. She was wearing a scarf over her head. Wait, I knew her. This is a girl that is always in class, but now she has no hair, and instead of being in the front of the class, she was hiding out in the back. OMG! What happened? Cancer? Something like it? I thought. My heart sank and in that instant everything was put into perspective. Yes, things were really bad that day for me. Yes, there are days when my life just sucks, and the future seems bleak, but at least I have "life." This girl was probably fighting something completely different than I was but she was also going through her own pain and yet, here she was. She might have been in the back, but she was rocking Shakira and Willy Chirino while I was self-pitying during the songs. Just like that, I got over it. She inspired me to see the big picture that day. She reminded me that not all is lost and although things still hurt, we gain more by being positive than by rotting in negativity. We all have pain, and we all have hurdles. It's about acknowledging it, feeling it, then putting it to rest (until the next time) and moving on.
My husband's response to me always saying "things could be worse" is usually "yeah but they can be much better too." He's right but since we can't control some aspects of our lives we need to focus on what we can, and that's our attitude. It's all how you look at it.
For now, at least, I have regained perspective, and I am ready to keep rocking my Zumba class with a smile on my face regardless of what is going on in my life and class that day. I leave you in the company of Cuban genius Celia Cruz and her second famous words "RIE, LLORA, que a cada cual le toca su hora" (loose translation: LAUGH, CRY because each one of us has our time)
Azucar!
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
TIME
August 2007.
That's when I first started this blog.
That was exactly four years ago.
That was three years AFTER "the diagnosis."
That's a total of 7 years of dealing with the crap that is AUTISM.
If you need a refresher, here is the link to my first post ever.
http://asdqueenbee.blogspot.com/2007/08/first-official-post.html
I just turned 40. Reaching such a significant milestone made me stop and take a look back at my life a bit. Where have I been? What have I done? Reading my first post on this blog makes me cringe. At the time I was about to enter the lowest of my lowest points in my life. I had no idea I was drowning. Looking back at all the posts since then makes me want to cry along with that girl typing away. In a way, I needed this blog. I needed to vent and express all that I was going through. It's not that autism has gotten easier. Actually, I still can't put my finger on exactly what IT is. Autism still sucks. I still have low points. The difference is that maybe now I can handle it a little more gracefully. Just a little.
My husband and I have realized that this is not a short-term issue. We have realized that we have spent the majority of our 30s swimming against the current, not making it very far and almost drowning. It's hard to parent and live when you are exhausted from "swimming." We all know that 80% of marriages of autism parents do not make it. Who wants to be a statistic? Sometime last year my husband and I took a step back and decided that we were going to keep swimming, but we would do some things differently. We were going to take self-imposed timeouts to play. Adult play. You know, dining? Movies? Something OTHER than autism? What a concept! We rallied our troops and realized that we have a LOT of family support in terms of babysitting. At least more than the average person. Instead of staying home after the kids have gone to sleep, we go out. We have actual adult conversations. We have wine. Lost of wine. Sometimes, we even travel. Gasp! Yup, travel.
It could not have come at a better time. Taking these timeouts has made us more patient, loving and level-headed. We are not letting the anger consume us anymore. We are allowing it to fuel us to continue on a more positive path. Positive. Did I just type that? Wow. Of course, we still lose it from time to time. We cry, we scream, and we curse autism. It sucks you know. But all I am saying is that it has gotten...BETTER.
I have met a couple of moms recently who have told me they look up to me. Me? Really? Why? Don't they know I am a mess? Surely they don't mean me. But, it seems as though I have grown out of a lot of the autism grief and started controlling it instead of letting it control me and my life. It has been quite an eye-opener. I was also talking to a very old friend today. She reminded me just how far I have come. "You are smiling again," she said. "There were a lot of things you use to say years ago that made me realize just what a bad place you were in and I just listened and supported you." If you read the first line in my first post from 2007, it says "Flash that million dollar smile." It was a reference to a high school yearbook phrase used to describe a photo of mine from 20 years ago. Phew! That was a long time ago. For a long time there, I did not know where that girl went. Where was she? Who was this other person taking over her body?
I owe part of my "improvement" to Quinn's birth too. Quinn is such a happy little boy. He lights up any room with his smile and attitude. We worked hard for Quinn and although it has been tough and he is not exactly out of the autism window yet, he helped put things into focus. Knowing Kai and Quinn will potentially have each other as companions for life puts me at ease a bit. Comparing Quinn's life to Kai's I have been able to make level-headed decisions that will benefit them both and ourselves. I am also more focused because of them.
Kai is always improving. He is currently attending an amazing summer camp where he has learned how to swim underwater! My little Nemo! He is reading at an upper 2nd-grade level and doing 1st-grade math (although he is going into 4th grade). He speaks more fluently now and exhibiting a lot of new cognitive skills. Yes, he is still following a holistic protocol, attends an ABA-based school, does hippotherapy and attends a weekly social group. But, I don't know what has worked or what has not worked. I do know that besides all the treatments and therapies we have thrown his way, TIME has helped and been key. Is there a common denominator here?
TIME
It has worked for me.
It has worked for Kai.
I hope the 40s bring more positive into my life than it did in my 30s. I am welcoming it with open arms because frankly, my feet hurt. They hurt from kicking so much ass lately. Oh yeah, you read it correctly. Cheesy, but I mean it. Bring it on. I am ready. New decade. New me. For me and for my kids because now, I am smiling again.
Oh, and in case you were wondering about the adorable PEACE LOVE AUTISM logo I used above for this entry, here is the scoop:
My "sister" blog, PUZZLE PEACE NOW, is owned by my best friend and partner in crime. It is all about what brings we ASD parents "peace" on this crazy journey. She is also a very talented blogger unlike myself (please spare comparisons..be nice!). Also, you can pick up one of those logos as your very own CAR MAGNET! Time to lose that old school blue puzzle one you have on your car and pick this one up! Hurry! Go read!
That's when I first started this blog.
That was exactly four years ago.
That was three years AFTER "the diagnosis."
That's a total of 7 years of dealing with the crap that is AUTISM.
If you need a refresher, here is the link to my first post ever.
http://asdqueenbee.blogspot.com/2007/08/first-official-post.html
I just turned 40. Reaching such a significant milestone made me stop and take a look back at my life a bit. Where have I been? What have I done? Reading my first post on this blog makes me cringe. At the time I was about to enter the lowest of my lowest points in my life. I had no idea I was drowning. Looking back at all the posts since then makes me want to cry along with that girl typing away. In a way, I needed this blog. I needed to vent and express all that I was going through. It's not that autism has gotten easier. Actually, I still can't put my finger on exactly what IT is. Autism still sucks. I still have low points. The difference is that maybe now I can handle it a little more gracefully. Just a little.
My husband and I have realized that this is not a short-term issue. We have realized that we have spent the majority of our 30s swimming against the current, not making it very far and almost drowning. It's hard to parent and live when you are exhausted from "swimming." We all know that 80% of marriages of autism parents do not make it. Who wants to be a statistic? Sometime last year my husband and I took a step back and decided that we were going to keep swimming, but we would do some things differently. We were going to take self-imposed timeouts to play. Adult play. You know, dining? Movies? Something OTHER than autism? What a concept! We rallied our troops and realized that we have a LOT of family support in terms of babysitting. At least more than the average person. Instead of staying home after the kids have gone to sleep, we go out. We have actual adult conversations. We have wine. Lost of wine. Sometimes, we even travel. Gasp! Yup, travel.
It could not have come at a better time. Taking these timeouts has made us more patient, loving and level-headed. We are not letting the anger consume us anymore. We are allowing it to fuel us to continue on a more positive path. Positive. Did I just type that? Wow. Of course, we still lose it from time to time. We cry, we scream, and we curse autism. It sucks you know. But all I am saying is that it has gotten...BETTER.
I have met a couple of moms recently who have told me they look up to me. Me? Really? Why? Don't they know I am a mess? Surely they don't mean me. But, it seems as though I have grown out of a lot of the autism grief and started controlling it instead of letting it control me and my life. It has been quite an eye-opener. I was also talking to a very old friend today. She reminded me just how far I have come. "You are smiling again," she said. "There were a lot of things you use to say years ago that made me realize just what a bad place you were in and I just listened and supported you." If you read the first line in my first post from 2007, it says "Flash that million dollar smile." It was a reference to a high school yearbook phrase used to describe a photo of mine from 20 years ago. Phew! That was a long time ago. For a long time there, I did not know where that girl went. Where was she? Who was this other person taking over her body?
I owe part of my "improvement" to Quinn's birth too. Quinn is such a happy little boy. He lights up any room with his smile and attitude. We worked hard for Quinn and although it has been tough and he is not exactly out of the autism window yet, he helped put things into focus. Knowing Kai and Quinn will potentially have each other as companions for life puts me at ease a bit. Comparing Quinn's life to Kai's I have been able to make level-headed decisions that will benefit them both and ourselves. I am also more focused because of them.
Kai is always improving. He is currently attending an amazing summer camp where he has learned how to swim underwater! My little Nemo! He is reading at an upper 2nd-grade level and doing 1st-grade math (although he is going into 4th grade). He speaks more fluently now and exhibiting a lot of new cognitive skills. Yes, he is still following a holistic protocol, attends an ABA-based school, does hippotherapy and attends a weekly social group. But, I don't know what has worked or what has not worked. I do know that besides all the treatments and therapies we have thrown his way, TIME has helped and been key. Is there a common denominator here?
TIME
It has worked for me.
It has worked for Kai.
I hope the 40s bring more positive into my life than it did in my 30s. I am welcoming it with open arms because frankly, my feet hurt. They hurt from kicking so much ass lately. Oh yeah, you read it correctly. Cheesy, but I mean it. Bring it on. I am ready. New decade. New me. For me and for my kids because now, I am smiling again.
Oh, and in case you were wondering about the adorable PEACE LOVE AUTISM logo I used above for this entry, here is the scoop:
My "sister" blog, PUZZLE PEACE NOW, is owned by my best friend and partner in crime. It is all about what brings we ASD parents "peace" on this crazy journey. She is also a very talented blogger unlike myself (please spare comparisons..be nice!). Also, you can pick up one of those logos as your very own CAR MAGNET! Time to lose that old school blue puzzle one you have on your car and pick this one up! Hurry! Go read!
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