TIME

August 2007.
That's when I first started this blog.
That was exactly four years ago.
That was three years AFTER "the diagnosis."
That's a total of 7 years of dealing with the crap that is AUTISM.

If you need a refresher, here is the link to my first post ever.
http://asdqueenbee.blogspot.com/2007/08/first-official-post.html

I just turned 40. Reaching such a significant milestone made me stop and take a look back at my life a bit. Where have I been? What have I done? Reading my first post on this blog makes me cringe. At the time I was about to enter the lowest of my lowest points in my life. I had no idea I was drowning. Looking back at all the posts since then makes me want to cry along with that girl typing away. In a way, I needed this blog. I needed to vent and express all that I was going through. It's not that autism has gotten easier. Actually, I still can't put my finger on exactly what IT is. Autism still sucks. I still have low points. The difference is that maybe now I can handle it a little more gracefully. Just a little.

My husband and I have realized that this is not a short-term issue. We have realized that we have spent the majority of our 30s swimming against the current, not making it very far and almost drowning. It's hard to parent and live when you are exhausted from "swimming." We all know that 80% of marriages of autism parents do not make it. Who wants to be a statistic? Sometime last year my husband and I took a step back and decided that we were going to keep swimming, but we would do some things differently. We were going to take self-imposed timeouts to play. Adult play. You know, dining? Movies? Something OTHER than autism? What a concept! We rallied our troops and realized that we have a LOT of family support in terms of babysitting. At least more than the average person. Instead of staying home after the kids have gone to sleep, we go out. We have actual adult conversations. We have wine. Lost of wine. Sometimes, we even travel. Gasp! Yup, travel.

It could not have come at a better time. Taking these timeouts has made us more patient, loving and level-headed. We are not letting the anger consume us anymore. We are allowing it to fuel us to continue on a more positive path. Positive. Did I just type that? Wow. Of course, we still lose it from time to time. We cry, we scream, and we curse autism. It sucks you know. But all I am saying is that it has gotten...BETTER.

I have met a couple of moms recently who have told me they look up to me. Me? Really? Why? Don't they know I am a mess? Surely they don't mean me. But, it seems as though I have grown out of a lot of the autism grief and started controlling it instead of letting it control me and my life. It has been quite an eye-opener. I was also talking to a very old friend today. She reminded me just how far I have come. "You are smiling again," she said. "There were a lot of things you use to say years ago that made me realize just what a bad place you were in and I just listened and supported you." If you read the first line in my first post from 2007, it says "Flash that million dollar smile." It was a reference to a high school yearbook phrase used to describe a photo of mine from 20 years ago. Phew! That was a long time ago. For a long time there, I did not know where that girl went. Where was she? Who was this other person taking over her body?

I owe part of my "improvement" to Quinn's birth too. Quinn is such a happy little boy. He lights up any room with his smile and attitude. We worked hard for Quinn and although it has been tough and he is not exactly out of the autism window yet, he helped put things into focus. Knowing Kai and Quinn will potentially have each other as companions for life puts me at ease a bit. Comparing Quinn's life to Kai's I have been able to make level-headed decisions that will benefit them both and ourselves. I am also more focused because of them.

Kai is always improving. He is currently attending an amazing summer camp where he has learned how to swim underwater! My little Nemo! He is reading at an upper 2nd-grade level and doing 1st-grade math (although he is going into 4th grade). He speaks more fluently now and exhibiting a lot of new cognitive skills. Yes, he is still following a holistic protocol, attends an ABA-based school, does hippotherapy and attends a weekly social group. But, I don't know what has worked or what has not worked. I do know that besides all the treatments and therapies we have thrown his way, TIME has helped and been key. Is there a common denominator here?

TIME
It has worked for me.
It has worked for Kai.

I hope the 40s bring more positive into my life than it did in my 30s. I am welcoming it with open arms because frankly, my feet hurt. They hurt from kicking so much ass lately. Oh yeah, you read it correctly. Cheesy, but I mean it. Bring it on. I am ready. New decade. New me. For me and for my kids because now, I am smiling again.

Oh, and in case you were wondering about the adorable PEACE LOVE AUTISM logo I used above for this entry, here is the scoop:

My "sister" blog, PUZZLE PEACE NOW, is owned by my best friend and partner in crime. It is all about what brings we ASD parents "peace" on this crazy journey. She is also a very talented blogger unlike myself (please spare comparisons..be nice!). Also, you can pick up one of those logos as your very own CAR MAGNET! Time to lose that old school blue puzzle one you have on your car and pick this one up! Hurry! Go read!

An update and a little more...

I was hoping that taking that leave of absence from work left me more time to blog. Ha! Right! That seems not to have worked out considering my last post was in August. I was way too optimistic and unrealistic. From now on I will cut myself some slack and blog when I can. Period. I had also hoped to separate both kids blogs, but that does not seem like it's going to work either. It will be one blog and one blog only. I will also blog about my life or my attempt at one and not just autism. It's a brand new ME!

Quinn (1) is making steady improvements in the motor skills area. With the help of PT, OT and ST he keeps improving on a daily basis. Not crawling or walking yet, but he is taking steps with support and also goes into knees and hands with little help. Fine motor skills are also emerging left and right. For example, he now holds his sippy cup proudly. He also signs "All done" and for "more." He is a super happy baby; everything is funny, everything makes him laugh. What a joy!

Kai (8) is also improving by leaps and bounds. At times, though, it's hard to remember that when he is scripting the entire Pillow Pets commercial or Elmo Holiday DVD. Urgh! He is reading at 2nd grade level (he is in 3rd grade) and doing double digit addition- even carrying over 1! He loves school and has started to use better-structured sentences unprompted! Imagine that! We are still using the doctor that is four hours away: ruling things out and going back to the beginning by carefully testing and acting on blood/urine/stool results. He is still on a GF/CF/SF/PF mostly organic diet. Up next, we will be going back to the "toxic metals" chapter. We had dropped that to focus on gut issues. Now that his yeast is under control and testing is back to normal we are ready for this stage again. 

He continues to attend hippotherapy and a social group both once a week. He has visited Sea World, local fair, the movies, bowling and even sleepovers with his social group. He LOVES it!

Both kids had a fabulous Christmas. Quinn seemed interested in the gifts, and Kai wanted to open all the presents- even if they were not his!

OK, off my soapbox for today.

Here is hoping everyone has a fantastic 2011!
May the force be with us all.

It's time...

So where was I all this time? Well, when I last blogged I announced I was pregnant. I had another baby boy, Quinn, in May 2009. That in itself was full of challenges. The past year and a half was mainly about my pregnancy, transitioning into life from 1 to 2 kids and all that it entails.

School started as usual that fall and Kai began 2nd grade. He had a new teacher who I really liked, but I began to get fed up with the administration and the lack of attention to "our" ASD kids. I spent the last three years trying to do things for the kids at the school. I attempted to organize a parent support group, became room mom and helped organize their parties and anything needed. I chaperoned field trips, volunteered more often than not and each time I was welcomed with a slap in the face, attitudes, and red tape. By the time January 2010 came, I was done. We started paperwork to get him out of the public school system and enrolled him in a private school. Did I mention that the last straw was when I encountered resistance to bringing in an air purifier to my son's room? Yet another lifestyle change came our way. We now have payments we did not have before given the school is 30 minutes from our house! It had to be done. He is 8. We refused to let him rot in the public school system and not give him a chance at a better education. I cannot waste time fighting for his rights so that by the time he is 20 and too late I might have made a dent in all their red-tape bullshit. Not happening. Not on my watch. 

This last March we switched doctors to one four hours from our house. So far, so good. He also started hippotherapy and has been doing a social skills group once a week as well. We have all been busy making sure the kids' needs are met.

Quinn has been a blessing and a joy to our entire family. He is a very happy, social and laid-back baby. He just turned a year old and does have some motor skill delays (no crawling, pulling up or walking), but no autism. He started to babble at 11 months, said "momma" at 12 months and is beginning to wave bye-bye. Late, but it's there. He has great eye contact too! We have taken every known precaution before and during the pregnancy and this past year. Only time will tell if we beat the autism monster or not. Kai loves to steal Quinn's toys, and Quinn just adores to watch all he does intently.

I recently took a leave of absence from my job to care full-time for Quinn and truly dedicate this next year to catching him up with his therapies and at home care. This should leave more time to blog. I am glad to be back. I have missed it!

Hope everyone has a fantastic summer!