A fork in the road...

SIGH...

What a month!

I feel like it's never-ending. I am at a point where I feel like throwing my arms up in the air and walking away, but of course, I can't do that.

I have friends whose children have incredibly improved by doing the same or even less than what I am doing with my son. But, just not us. I won't turn into one of those parents who swear off trying new things and nay-saying just because it did not work for them. I am, however, turning into a disappointed and sad mom. Or an even sadder one than before. Not disappointed in my son, disappointed in my lack of ability to help him.

Why can't it work for my son? It's worked, but only a little.

He is miles away from where we started, but double the miles away from where we need to be. I want out of this club. I don't want to be a part of this autism club anymore.

A friend recently posted on one of our group boards how she wanted out. She wanted a normal life and not everything to revolve around autism. I hear ya sister. I feel the same way. I want out as well.

It also doesn't help that our very own "club" is just so divided. If I hear one more parent accuse another of not loving their child enough because they are treating them or that because they are treating them, they are not accepting their child as is, I am going to explode.

Screw the kumbaya talk people!

Our children are special TO US, and they are amazing TO US. The world is a cruel place, and it will be a long way before we reach a point (if ever) where people are compassionate of those with special needs. It is a dog eat dog kind of world, and our kids are being swallowed whole in it. Yes, we can be mother warriors all we want, but at the end of the day, we are still in the wrong kind of "special" group, and I am so sick of it.

It is never more evident than at the playground or birthday parties. Why do we even bother going? I don't want to be any one's charity case or anyone to feel bad for me. Urgh! Sucks.

So much money spent on this journey. SOOOO MUCH!

We are now with a new doctor. Woopidyf'indoo. Why get excited? After all , I got excited when we first put him in an entirely integrative treatment school. Then when he did music therapy. Then when we started the diet. Then when we started a holistic approach.  Then when he did the hyperbaric. Then when we added new supplements. Or wait it must have been when we went all natural with our cleaning products. Or when we bid farewell to the microwave. Or when we bought all new cookware. Or when we started using distilled water only. Or, or, or , or....you can only get so excited so many times about the new "it" thing.

Where to go next? I DON'T KNOW!

Can we move to a remote island somewhere?

After all, my son is so happy. Completely oblivious to anything going around him. If it wasn't for that great kid, and his sunny disposition I don't know how I would have made it this far.

He would be so happy on that island. Just living without being stared at, poked at, discriminated against, and treated! But that's not reality, is it?

Nope. So we move on to the next best thing as always.

Now, looking for private schools so that he can get even more one on one instruction. Oh yeh!

I assure you I am not always this cynical, but there are just some days.....SIGH

Ok, rant over.

The Parent Wars Part 2

I attended a parent coffee break sponsored by the local CARD group. I had never attended one and I was not sure what to expect.

I got there on time, picked up my coffee, and headed to meet the moms. There were about 7 of them sitting by a long table. One of the moms (we'll call her Claire) I already knew from my son's new ABA place. The table was coincidentally (I think) divided already. Moms of the older kids sat on one side and the ones with the younger kids on the other. I introduced myself and jumped right into the small talk. As we got going, I started to talk more with "my side" - the parents of younger children.

My son is 6. I was giving the moms of the 2 and 3 year olds feedback on the different therapies and treatments we have tried. At one point, I was engaged in conversation with a mom who had gotten there late when I hear one of the moms of the older kids refute EVERYTHING I had told Claire! It happened so fast that I could not interrupt my current conversation to go back and defend her!

This mom that I already knew was getting attacked by this other mom. I don't mean attacked in a rude way or anything. It was more along the lines of " listen, my son is 15 and nothing of what you are doing will work, blah blah blah- you have to accept her as is and just stick with therapy." 

Just as I was finishing my conversation with the mom that had gotten there late, I turned around to join the conversation next to me and defend this mom but the group was quickly dispersing and everyone was saying goodbye. I did not get a chance to butt in and I was so upset about it. Throughout the entire morning it seemed as if it was team A against team B instead of one united support group. All of the older moms were bitter, naysaying and rolling their eyes at the mention of any intervention that was not just ST, OT or ABA. Was this a debate or a "support" group?

While I understand that perhaps 20 years ago a lot of these intervention were not available, what good do they really do by being so negative and giving "knowitall" smirks to these newer moms or toddlers? Yikes! I was furious!

I left to pick up my son from therapy and as luck would have it I ran into the mom that had gotten the grunt of the bitterness. I was so happy! I walked up to her as she loaded her toddler in the car and said "Listen, I just wanted ot mention that you have to find what is right for you and your daughter. Don't let these older moms discourage you from trying different things. What works for me might not work for you so you have to find the formula that is right for you and you only. I noticed that they were all trying to sway you otherwise. I am sorry I was not able to jump in sooner". She looked at me, paused, and said while starting to tear up " I am SO glad you are telling me this. I left there feeling so down. I felt like they were mocking and making fun of me. I was just planning on picking up my daughter and crying on my way home!"

Just then, I instinctly hugged her and told her it would be alright, to stay strong and keep looking forward. I told her she was doing amazing! Shoot, I wish my son would have been in ABA at 2!

So here we are again, talking about the parent wars for a second time on my blog. Why? My goodness, I could never look at a parent of an ASD child and tell them not to try something or that they are wasting their time! I hope that if my son reaches his teens still with an ASD diagnosis that I am not bitter like these women were towards other moms. I know there are kids who have recovered doing stuff I am doing with my child already and I still encourage others to try it because of it. So, it did not work for me, why would I discourage others not to do so? I just don't get it.

There is something seriously wrong with people in our community. We need to stand united people! Cut the crap!